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Greatness."
"He s right here," Lila said. "What?far away? Obviously, you are a dualist."
"I am not a dualist. I am your employer. You don t know what you are talking about, Lila. The Mel Bellow person is in
outer space somewhere."
"I thought you said he was the Sphinx now."
"Yes and no."
"Dualism."
"Quiet, whore!" Sarvaduhka honeyed his voice. "Number Two, Izzy requests that you employ your vast powers to
bring Johnny Abilene to El Giza. This appears to be the only way that you can be saved from eternal slavehood to
Shaman, who is also Tuthmosis IV."
"Dualism."
"Lord Abu al-Hawl, Great Beneficent One, please make the whore shut up."
28. Who Am I?
I bolted upright, like a stricken dreamer. "Who am I?" Gypsy sat across the table from me, a half-peeled banana, the
dendritic bulb sprouting from his crumpled human thorax like fungus from the crotch of a dead oak. He wasn t moving.
Nora sat beside him, still and silent. Her mouth was slightly open; she stared dumbly past me. Nora was naked?still
human?and her long hair was splayed all over her face, shoulders, breasts. I touched her arm. It was cold.
From the kitchen: the whooshing and humming of the dishwashing machine, and sometimes a knock, as from badly
vented plumbing; then the whole café shook. Each sound was accompanied by a change of scenery out the window.
The streaks of starlight shifted angles, they grew dense or sparse, or danced in circles, or split into planes like layers of
grenadine and liquor. We passed through glittering banks of sperm-like particles, auras of colored light, moments of
darkness so profound they seemed to darkle the café pitch black, nullifying our fluorescents.
Tools clanked. Shaman grunted.
"Nora?" I said.
The noise in the kitchen abruptly stopped. Shaman appeared at the door. His white pants were stained with grease. He
held a box-end wrench in one hand. He looked tired. "I m you, you little shit."
I slumped back into the chair.
He took a few steps in my direction, then barked, "You re not here." I was gone. It was night on the Sahara. On the
fringe of my mind, fast fading, was the image of Shaman coming closer, jabbing at Izzy s bung with something like an
ice pick, doing it without much spirit, as if he d tried it a dozen times before to no effect and didn t really expect it to
work now. He slapped Gypsy and Nora to see if they would respond?they didn t. Then he returned to the kitchen, to
the dishwasher, in the same disgruntled, hopeless frame of mind.
"I ll have to do my own epoché," he muttered, "if this doesn t work. God help us all then."
Then nothing. Then sand, sound and light, Sarvaduhka and Lila Kodzi shouting up my stone ass.
29. Epoché
"  Who am I? Did you hear that, Lila Kodzi? The Sphinx spoke." Sarvaduhka shivered.
"It was one of the camels. Hamad snorted. He snorts, that s all."
Sarvaduhka persisted. "Oh Great One, I will convey your question to Izzy:  Who am I? I myself am but a poor, small
person in the hospitality trade. I have two, three motels jointly with my cousins, although they hardly do anything but
watch TV and drink alcoholic items. I will ask Izzy, who knows many things like that. But can you get Johnny Abilene,
Wondrous One? Izzy wants to know, will you do it A.S.A. of P.? He would do this himself, but he is indisposed."
"Maybe Abu can give us a sign." Lila nudged Sarvaduhka.
"Exactly, but please be quiet, Lila. I am doing this . . . Great One, can you give us a sign?"
My selfhood was significantly in disarray. I was being addressed by creatures whose formation I had initiated some
seven hundred million years before in an attempt to disembark from the Milky Way, where I found myself stranded. On
the other hand, I was being held in a Texas highway rest stop café a good ways out in space toward the Large
Magellanic Cloud. Besides which, I was some sort of tourist attraction.
Shaman wanted to eat me. I wanted to go home. Yet I couldn t find my center. To me was lost that Archimedean
fulcrum from which the soul can act.
"A sign, oh Great One! Please, a sign!"
It was like trying to sit up when your back is out?Where are those muscles? My desperation drove me deeper and
deeper away from my senses, deeper and deeper away from thoughts and feelings too. Sinking in, even the
desperation dwindled above me like bubbles rising away from a skin diver.
Through murk and roil, I squinted as an artist squints, bracketing the details to understand the whole. Fish and weed
of mind tumbled by, denuded of names and relations, continually devouring one another, blurring boundaries. This
wasn t the swill of Shaman s hole, for now I was the diver and the pearls I found would be mine.
But then the word "I" grew goosefeet. It emptied. "I" was just a mark, a convenience of thought, vacuous outside the
quote marks.
The voices of Shaman?I m you!?of Sarvaduhka, Lila Kodzi, the sound and light show?upbeat, mendacious?all merged
in a current without source or destination. The moan of the wind, an atom bomb, nostalgia, the planet Mars, the
number three, oneself, the South of France, all lines all gone!
DON T TRY THIS AT HOME.
Place went. Sequence went. Time was ungetatable. No thought to think and not a thing to think it. "I" kept diving. "I"
allowed "myself" to be swallowed further until, dissolving, "I" melted into a dark, pliable mass one could only call the [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]